Ghost Quotes

This page is a list of quirky, repeated, or memorable quotes from the lips of Ghost himself. It is by no means comprehensive, but feel free to add ones you think are missing, even it's an obscure one.

Splices do not count, as they are not actual Ghost quotes.

On Himself

 * "I am your host, the man they call Ghost... (yadda, yadda, yadda!)"
 * "I'm as serious as a heart attack."
 * "I'm a capitalist! And I deserve the respect according to that title!"
 * "My heart's beatin' like a [goddamn / freakin'] rabbit (here)!"
 * "I've got a 15-and-a-half inch John Holmes sausage sittin' here between my legs."
 * "I'm giddy!"
 * "The prognosticator of prognosticators...strikes again!"
 * "I hate to toot my own horn here but...Beep Beep!"
 * "I am a Melting Pot of Friendship..."
 * "I'm shootin' Pearls here!"
 * "I'm the king of the Mexicans, baby! I'm down with La Raza!"
 * "I am now officially declaring myself the King of Mexicans!"
 * "I. DON'T. CARE!"
 * "HAIL GHOSTLER! HAIL GHOSTLER! HAIL GHOSTLER YOUTH!"
 * "I'm jaded, for Christ's sakes... I mean, I'M DEPRESSED!"
 * "I CAN'T DIE!"
 * "I'm pure alpha!"
 * "Why do you want me dead?!"

On the True Capitalist Radio Broadcast

 * "Spread it around like wildfire!"
 * "In effect and in the house."
 * "Getting off keister"
 * "Goin' off on a [tirade / soliloquy], here..."
 * "Use and abuse those buttons, baby - It's just a freakin' click for Christ's sake!"
 * "I could be out on Sixth Street right now! It could be Miller time!"
 * "Get 'em off!"
 * "Welcome to another edition of the True Capitalist Radio!"
 * "It's Taco Tuesday today!" (Used on Taco Tuesday)
 * "It's Baller Friday today!" (Used on Baller Friday)
 * "Hahahaha! Taco, Taco, Tuesday!"
 * "It's time for everyone's favorite part of the broadcast... and I'm talkin' about RADIO GRAFFITI! HA HA HA! It's the time of the show when the spectator...becomes part of the spectacle."
 * "My show is listened to by tens of thousands of capitalists THROUGHOUT THE WORLD!"
 * "This show is SERIOUS BUSINESS!"
 * "Goddamn it, that's it, that's it, I've had enough, you've RUINED BALLER FRIDAY! I'm OUTTA HERE! Screw all of you pieces of crap! You'll be lucky if I even come back for another broadcast!"
 * "I'm in a fuckin' bad mood today."
 * "No one tells me what to do!" (Used commonly when a Pyro Incident occurs)
 * "Give me the mic! (Always followed by a cans.wav)
 * "Get this mic out of my face-[cans.wav]
 * "Stop gettin' me to drink!"
 * "Do you even have a soul?!"
 * "You should all be ashamed of yourselves. All of you! But you're not, of course, you're not."
 * "Look at my Gab, check out my Gab!"
 * "Got a freakin' mess in this place." (referring to all the cans in his office)
 * "You'll be lucky if I come back for Baller Friday!"
 * "If you're bored, then get out!"
 * "I'VE GOT HOMELAND SECURITY FOLLOWING ME AROUND BECAUSE OF THIS FUCKING SHOW!"

On The Ghost Show

 * "I DON'T CONDONE THAT!" (After a racist song is played)
 * "I AM NOT A FIVE-DOLLAR WHORE!"
 * "Let me talk! Let me talk!"
 * "Stop with the donations!"
 * "Let me do my show!"
 * "Stop talking to me in emojis!"
 * "Here's the text-to-speech broad..."
 * (sees a donation that is only named No) "No? NO?! You son of a-[cans.wav]"
 * "SHUT UP! YOU DON'T WIN! YOU DON'T WIN ANYTHING!"
 * "You don't understand, it's the interactivity!"
 * "Just admit I made you look lower than a leprechaun's nutsack, you faggot."
 * "STOP DOING MY GODDAMN SHOW!"

On the state of America

 * "The American population would rather sit around watching the latest fruitbowl dancing around the stage lookin' like he's got a hamster hanging out of his ass!"
 * "America used to be the Bastion of Capitalism, now we're the bastards of Capitalism."
 * "... is being flushed down the proverbial toilet"
 * "This is America, folks."
 * "This is America, this is America, this is god damned entitlement ridden America."
 * "He basically told me that H-E-B... makes a quarter of their profits from people on entitlement! From food cards!"
 * "It makes me sick! [unintelligible howl] [another howl]"
 * "SCRRREWWW THE FIRST OF THE MONTH! AND SCREW ALL YOU EBT LOSERS! YOU PATHETIC WASTES OF HUMAN LIFE!"
 * "Are you hearin' this crap? This is America, folks... this is freakin' Junkyard America."
 * "This is America... SMELL IT! SMELL IT! [sniff] SMELLS LIKE A DIRTY, SHIT CARNIVAL URINAL AFTER ABOUT 3 DAYS!"
 * "Lemme tell you, when nuclear war happens, vaporwave is gonna have a WHOLE NEW GODDAMN MEANING!"

On Women

 * "She's in complete freakin' awe at the manly dominance that I'm throwing around this broadcast like it ain't shit!"
 * "Playing the child support lottery game"
 * "I don't need a man! I'm gonna be the cougar! Now hear me roar! Nyeeeeeh!"
 * "Yeah, okay, broads... but don't set fire to the goddamn docks."
 * "Go back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich."

On Trolls

 * "We got a lot of Text Chat Warriors over here."
 * "Flapping their fat, Cheeto-stained fingers on the keyboard over here."
 * "Chafing their peckershaft..."
 * "Waxing their carrot..."
 * "Another Helen Keller Deaf Mute up in here."
 * "You trolls are a bigger pain in the ass than a sticky shit!"
 * "We're gonna have a lot of Troll Terrorists and Cyber-Vermin calling up..."
 * "I'm kicking ass and taking names."
 * "I've got two words for you: Punitive. Damages. That's all I have to say."
 * "Punitive Damages, OUT OF YOUR ASS!"
 * "Goddamn son of a bitch."
 * "All you idiots who're threatening me: you come down here. You want some, come get some, if you're bad enough, take some, bitch!"
 * "You stupid assholes."
 * "This is getting stupid, this is getting ridiculous."
 * "No, look at this, they're laughin'! They're laughin' for Christ's sake, I mean g-(cans.wav)"
 * "I wish this was your goddamn face! I wish this was your-*cans* *cans* *cans* -you stupid sacks of-*cans* *cans* *cans*"
 * "I'd stomp a mudhole in your ass, I'd kick it dry, and then take a [bubbly yellow piss / dirty diarrhea crap] in there, and all you can do is look at me with a [yellow / brown] smile about it!"
 * "That's horrible! There's nothing funny about that, man!"
 * "I'm not saying any more of these sick ass names."
 * "That was horrible, Kermit. You should get yourself some Jewish writers or something, because that was just horrible."
 * "You waited an hour to say that? What a stupid loser."
 * "Can't you hear the single mother in stupid pieces of crap like that?"
 * "You should give your mother a slap for raising such a lame, non-personality having piece of trash."
 * "I'm tired of hearing fruitbowl gentlemen, fruitbowl trolls sound like their dishrag whore mothers."
 * "SHUT UP, IT'S NOT THE BUTTER!"
 * "I WANT TO THROW UP NASTY CHICKEN GREASE AND CORN OIL AND CREAM OF WHEAT WITH STOMACH PLASMA, GOOD GOD!"
 * "I WANNA SEE HIS FACE! I WANNA SEE HIS GODDAMN FACE!"
 * "You don't wanna get me angry... my back will start changing shape, everything starts going crazy, YOU DON'T WANNA GET ME ANGRY..."
 * "You need somebody... SOMEBODY, SOME MAN TO COME INTO YOUR GODDAMN LIFE, AND BE A FATHERLY INFLUENCE, AND TAKE YOU OUT THE BACK IN THE WOODSHED!"
 * "I GET MY DAMN BELT OFF, AND THIS IS WHAT YOU - GOD... [slap] [slap] THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED BOY! THAT'S WHAT YOU - [slap] GOD! [slap] DAMNIT! [slap] HYAHHH!"
 * "GOD - SHUT UUUUPP!!! [cans.wav] I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! AGGHHHH GOD MAN! THE BETRAYAL! THE BETRAYAL! THE BETRAYAL! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT MAN, I GOT INNER CIRCLE, BETRAYING ME! INNER CIRCLE, BETRAYING ME - [cans.wav]"
 * "Aww... no, Karaszkun, no... No.. No! NO! NOOOOO! [cans.wav]"
 * "DON'T TALK ABOUT VIET-FUCKIN-NAM! I DON'T WANNA HEAR ABOUT VIET-FUCKIN-NAM!"
 * "What a bunch of bastards, man."
 * "You should be repeatedly beaten in the balls with an Acme brick for thinking that's funny."
 * "You idiots are lucky we're not in a goddamn barroom, because I would beat the living beejezus out of you all!"
 * "Can we get a major fail on that stupid asshole already? Jesus Christ!"
 * "Bunch of tards, bunch of aspies out here."
 * "It's YOUR fault why I'm drinking, you piece of crap!"
 * "Don't even go there!"
 * "That's not funny, you piece of crap."
 * "We get it, we know what you like sucking on"
 * "These are some major fails today!"
 * "I am not a fast food joint!"
 * "You're driving me to drink!"
 * "I never said that!"
 * "You're pissing me off!"

On Callers

 * "Let's go ahead and take some calls here..."
 * "You don't know your ass from your elbow"
 * "You don't know shit from Shinola"
 * "You're laughing at yourself"
 * "There better be some chick in the background"
 * "You're a no personality having jerk-dick"
 * "Stop flappin' your suck hole"
 * "Shut your stupid stinkin' salmon smelling dirty hole"
 * "Just shut up, just sit there and shut up!"
 * "We're gonna have a lot of Troll Terrorists and Cyber Vermin calling up..."
 * "Shove it up your [ass / pooper / shit-funnel / poop chute]."
 * "Who gives a [crap / shit]?"
 * "You're lying your ass off."
 * "Get this through your [thick skulls / pea-sized brains]."
 * "I never said that, that's a splice! You know it an' I know it!"
 * "You're lucky you're not in my goddamn face right now, cause I would...smash your face... right... in. LIKE. THIS! -[cans.wav]- GRAWWWH!"
 * (Usually after Surgeradio.org calls in) "Yeah, we get it. DDOS that, okay?"
 * "Yeah, say whatever the hell you want, you little snot-nosed kid."
 * "If you saw me, I would slap you into submission, you piece of trash."
 * "Yeah, you're taking too long."
 * "Shut your ass."
 * "I just freaking said that! I JUST FREAKING SAID THAT!"
 * "I JUST FREAKIN' SAID THAT, FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!!"
 * "Aw, why'd you hang up?"
 * "Call his ass back, Engineer. Call his ass back!"
 * "Go service a glory hole"
 * "Hey! People got headphones, you dicks!" (on Ear Rape trolls)

On NASA and Conspiracies

 * "I'm going to be totally honest with you folks, not even scientists know what the sun is"
 * "I'm a free thinker"
 * "You got jerk-dicks on Twitter trying to tin-foil hat, fedora my ass... if you don't like it, don't listen!"
 * "The pictures of the moon landing? Nothing but Nevada, for Christ's sake!"

Other insults

 * "Smelly like a dirty carnival urinal"
 * "Jerk Off / Circle Jerk"
 * "Ass Clown"
 * "Milky-Licker"
 * "Shit-Funnel"
 * "Jerk Dick"
 * "Schmuck"
 * "Fat jelly-ass bastard"
 * "Four eyed freckle faced"
 * "Pink Team Player"
 * "Three and a half inch wet pink willy"
 * "Racist bastard"
 * "GI Joe/Pony Doll with a condom on it"
 * "...Sucks the chrome off a '57 Chevy bumper."
 * "Stupid dumb son of a bitch"
 * "Fruity-ass (fruitbowl gay) bastard (who's taking it in the pooper)"
 * "Sorry sack of (crap/shit)"
 * "Stupid idiot..."
 * "You sound like you just popped out of the anal passage of [Ricky Martin/Richard Simmons during a "Sweatin' to the Oldies" session/Greg Louganis]."
 * "I mean, does my demographic of listeners consist of fruits?"
 * "You're playin' with your [peter-popper/pecker-shaft]"
 * "How about you go kill yourself, okay?"
 * "Yeah, and you sound fruitier than Ricky Martin, Richard Simmons, Freddie Mercury... need I go on?"
 * "(used) urinal cake curator"
 * "Pedophile-priest-probin' chickenskin-sack-havin' freaks"
 * "That asshole sounded like a cuckold connoisseur from where I'm standin'."
 * "You sphincter-fingering, dental dam-using scumbags!"
 * "I bet you people whack off to tribal nudity on the National Geographic channel, you're that goddamn immature..."
 * "Stupid bitch horse."
 * "Stupid silly bastard"
 * "Fart fragrant expert"
 * "Enema bag cleaner/cleaning"
 * "Cauliflower Cock"
 * "Zombie Cooch"
 * "Shitty bloody underwear collecting"
 * "Blue-ball blowing"
 * "Taint-Tonguing"
 * "Cincinnati Bowtie Receiving"
 * "Rusty Trombone Playing"
 * "Seat Sniffing"
 * "Pickled Prick"
 * "Refugee Pubic Hair Inspector"
 * "Migrant mouth-hugging"
 * "Turd Burglar"
 * "You must have a dog farting fetish or something."
 * "Turkey Tits"
 * "Phallic Fluffer/fluffing"
 * "Belch Breathing"
 * "Lena Dunham Licking"
 * "Fuckface"

Verbose Locations and Facetious Mispronunciations

 * "Malarkey"
 * "Besmirching"
 * "Bamboozled"
 * "Vernacular"
 * "Libations"
 * "Penist" (pianist)
 * "Canadia" (Canada)
 * "Hispandex" (Hispanic)
 * "Ghettofied"
 * "Two-point-zero"
 * "Old vieja"
 * "Ny-an Kitty"
 * "Tobaccer"
 * "For-lorico" (folklórico)
 * "Jahooties" (Jihadists)
 * "Hajib" (hijab)
 * "Guaran-goddamn-tee"

Personal Names

 * "Alexis" (Alex S)
 * "Hillary Rotten Clinton" (Hillary Rodham Clinton)
 * "Humma Aberdeen" (Huma Abedin)
 * "Jason Poole" (Christopher Poole)
 * "Neil Tyson Degrassi" (Neil deGrasse Tyson)
 * "Kadoo" (Coodoo17)
 * "Fidel Castro's Son / Canadia's Fruitbowl Prime Minister" (Justin Trudeau)
 * "Hair-binger" (The Harbingerr)
 * "Mister Metalcore" (Mister Metakor)
 * "Nancy 'Plastic Face' Pelosi" (Nancy Pelosi)
 * "Chuck 'Kick the American People in the Balls' Schumer" (Chuck Schumer)
 * "El Rato" (Ted Cruz)
 * "Chris 'I Can't do Shit Well' Cantwell"

Bronies

 * "I... am not... I repeat, am not... a bro-ny!"
 * "Stupid dumbass brony."
 * "Stop it with your stupid brony crap, you overly-feminine fruity males! With no integrity, for Christ's sake! I mean, I've seen these dumbass little "brony" videos you goddamn, uh, My Little Pony followers are making of me on YouTube, where you're all like 'Oh, there's nothing wrong with being an effeminate male! There's nothing wrong with that! As a matter of fact, why don't you let us see your tool-box? Come on, let's see it!'"
 * "Bronies aren't a race, they're a group of ill-minded, uh, older men who are... jackin' off to a goddamn eight-year-old-girl cartoon!"
 * "You bronies are sick in the head! You're siiiccckkk!"
 * "We got Flutterya- is a brony, for Christ's sake."
 * "We got 'Bronies 4 Ghost'... oh, yeah, I feel so, uh, reasserted in my, uh, self-esteem now that I got "Bronies 4 Ghost" backin' me up!"
 * "God- dammit- brony assholes! I'm sick of you bronies- [cans.wav]!"
 * "Do we got some sort of anti-brony cult goin' on here?"
 * "Oh, I'm not saying that, ya stupid brony bastard!"
 * "I mean, it was a retarded talking horse!"
 * "Yeah, well I hope you beat the crap out of everyone who thinks he's a talkin' horse."
 * "Yeah, you sound like you'd like My Little Pony... you also sound like you'd like a naked picture of Ricky Martin's poop chute..."
 * "He's gonna have a bean-and-cheese cutie mark!"
 * "You're lyin', you're a black brony and you know it!"
 * "Freakin' Twilight singin' 'Fergilicious'!? That's all we need for these cloppers!"
 * "Gah, ya gotta get this through your thick skulls... get this through your little fruitbowl brrrains out there, that I am not, I repeat, am not, and will never be, a BRRRONY, for Christ's sake!"
 * "Why, Asho?! Why would you become a brony?"
 * "Your friendship is not magic!"
 * "This is the traditional brony for you folks!"
 * "How 'bout you stick Fluttershy up your clogged-up pooper, you fruit?"
 * "And secondly, season two- sucks! I mean, how are we supposed to believe this crap?!"
 * "And if you didn't see my tweet of a 'Brony Weekend', then, by God, go to my Twitter and SCROLL DOWN!"
 * "...You bronies... you're borderline pedophiles... you're borderline Woody Allen butt-lovin' pedophiles."
 * "I'VE GOT INNER CIRCLE BETRAYAL AND FREAKIN' BRONIES CRAWLING UP MY BUTTCRACK!"
 * "Pampers and ponies"
 * "I'm gettin' infested by bronies!"
 * "Goddamn brony bastards"

Furries

 * "We got 'Furries 4 Ghost'... you sick bastards."
 * "At least you furries can find, uh, a willing dog or cat to screw."
 * "Furriness is, like, one step away from penetratin' a sheep's vulva!"

Spongebobbies

 * "Oh great, are we gonna have... uh, SpongeBobbies, in opposition to, uh, the bronies?"
 * "Spongebobbies vs. bronies on the next Geraldo, for Chrissakes."
 * "Stop it with the freakin' little kids' shows!"

Anime

 * "This is the manifestation of the lack of a father, of a single mother household."
 * "If you're over the age of 18, 19 years old and you're still getting off on this stupid, disgusting garbage... you should be put on a goddamn sexual predator list, you should not be affiliating with children."
 * "It's obvious that there's no fatherly influence in the goddamn household... they're manifesting their wish of a fatherly influence on yours truly... and that's why you get all these anime jerk-dicks following me."
 * "I just think that these people need a good beating and moreover, I just think that these people should be put on a goddamn sexual predators list."
 * "If you see any of this glorification of cartoon nonsense, I'd strongly advice you to beat your children... give them a good, classic style pre-child-abuse-style beating, because if you don't, I'm telling you, you're raising a future sexual predator..."
 * "It goes to show how brainwashed you idiots are to see how much energy you're willing to come out and exert to defend your sick, twisted cartoon fetish."
 * "A lot of these anime people are just fat, disgusting human specimens, it's grotesque."
 * "I hate anime!"

Others

 * "Well, first off, I don't really get many Tankies on the broadcast." (Tankies as in Thomas The Tank Engine fans, not Stalin apologists)
 * "We got Toe Hoes for Ghost... Toe Hoes for Ghost?! You sick foot-fetish sons of... [cans.wav]"
 * "Shove that pickle RIGHT UP YOUR ASS!" (in reference to the Pickle Rick meme)

Entire Conversations/Rants

 * Teutonic: "I, Teutonic Plague, am a brony."


 * Ghost: "Wha- WHAT? Wait a minute, [stuttering] wait-wait-wait WOAH WOAH WOAH, WAIT WAIT WAIT JUST A SECOND! What did you just say to me?"


 * Teutonic: "I'm a brony! Rainbow Dash is best pony, man."


 * Ghost: "...Are-are you serious, or is this a troll man? I-I mean this is not a joke, Teutonic, ARE YOU SERIOUS?"


 * Teutonic: "Ghost, think about it, it's like a musical version of freakin' Spongebob, even more so, it's great, I love the comedy man, it's - it's funny."


 * Ghost: "Wha-wha-WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! YOU- [cans.wav] YOU KIDDING ME?! NOOOOOOO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! OH MY GOD, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! WHAT THE FUCK?! WHAT THE FUCK - [cans.wav] OH MY GOD! OHHH MY GOD! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN BETTER! I - GOD... [cans.wav] WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE HELL?! WHAT THE GODDAMN HELLLAGHH?! [coughing] ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHA - [sputtering] [puke.wav]"
 * Ghost: "G... G!... G!!!! [sob] Not only are you Toilet Guy... [sniff] Are you into Anime, G? Please tell me the truth."


 * G: "Okay, uh, I do like the television Anime, but Anime's not a fetish, it's just a TV show, It's kinda like-"


 * Ghost: "NOOOO! [cans.wav] NOOO I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT! OHHH MY GOD AGHHHHH!"
 * "Are - wh - wh - what the - what - WHY ARE Y'ALL DOING THIS TO ME? You - you went - there's a - I'm - I'M LOOKING AT AT A FREAKING - A FREAKING BODY PILLOW... WITH... MASKEDPONY'S FACE! THE REAL MASKEDPONY'S FACE ON IT! [cans.wav] GYAAAAAAAAH! Goddammit, man! This is horrible! This is horrible! This is a horrible Baller Friday! This is a horrible Baller Friday, Goddammit! All of you [unintelligible], stop it! Just stop it! Just stop it, good God! Just stop! Oh my God! Oh, God! I don't know what to - uh, [mumbles] - jeez, I don't know what to say anymore, man. I don't know what to say, man. I'm just tired, man. I - you know, I don't know, I think I've gotta get out of here, 'cause, you know, this has, this has been a horrible Baller Friday, alright? This has been horrible. This has been horrible! This has been horrible, for Christ's sake, man! This has been horrible! God dammit, you sons of bitches! You sons of bitches! You goddamn sons of bitches, man! Oh my God."
 * Ghost: "We got 732, Radio Graffiti."


 * 732: "Ghost, I can't talk right now, I'm playing Skyrim. Call me back in like 30 minutes."


 * Ghost: "What? You called me, you jerk-dick."

Politicians

 * "Sarah Eskimo Bimbo Palin"
 * "Hahahaha! Baller Friday, Baby! Herman "Sugar" Cain!"
 * "Aww, Engineer! What is this crap?! Engineer, what the hell, man?! What is this crap, Engineer?! Oh my God... I mean shut it off, Engineer! Shut it off, for Christ's sakes!!"
 * "I told you to play something that was favorable to Herman Cain!"
 * "Leave Herman Cain alone! That man was [lynched/character-assassinated] by the liberal media and backstabbed by the GOP!"
 * "You can talk about me, talk about me all you want, but don't go around supportin' the likes of Lamar Smith, you SOPA-supportin', internet-regulation-supportin' piece of trash!"
 * "That's right, folks... 'Magic Underpants' versus 'Long-Legged Mac Daddy'!
 * "DON'T BESMIRCH THE NAME OF DONALD TRUMP, BOY!"
 * "LEAVE ROY MOORE ALONE!"

Callers

 * "Goddamn you, Coodoo! GODDAMN YOU, KADOO! Screw you, screw you, screw you up your brony poop chute!"
 * "I mean, where did Coodoo come from with this crap?!"
 * "Oh, this should be fresh... yeah, this should be rich... KADOO, Radio goddamn Graffiti."
 * "Who in the hell is Coo-doo?!"
 * "What did I tell you about that son of a bitch Coodoo?!"
 * "How about you go drink some unfermented vodka, you freakin' cockeyed Russian?"
 * "How 'bout you go chew on a meat missile? Yeah, go chew on a meat missile!"
 * "And second, stop callin' yourself the 'Ghetto Ghost'! You can't compare yourself to me!"
 * "You've got the Justin Bieber Mexican kid thing goin' for ya, for Christ's sake!"
 * "You're lyin' out your ass! You're a black brony and you know it!"
 * "Go lick the cheese off Alex Jones's nutsack, you stupid fruitbowl... I mean, GET THIS TINFOIL HAT IDIOT OFF MY GODDAMN SWITCHBOARD!"
 * "LEAVE KARASZKUN ALONE!"
 * "Makin' fun of me, makin' fun of KaraszKun!"
 * "Stop player-hating on Plague."
 * "614, Radio [goddamn] Graffiti."
 * "Oh... it's you... Tub Guy!"
 * "Can you DROWN in your tub already?!"
 * "I hope you Whitney Houston, Tub Guy, I hope you Whitney Houston!"
 * "Goddamn African Booty Scratcher [asshole / bastard / son of a bitch]"
 * "Why don't you shove a (lion's head / rhino horn) up your ass?"
 * "Aw, Je-Jesus Christ-THEN-THEN THERE'S THIS GUY! THEN THIS GUY COMES ALONG! THAT'S THE INTERNET BUTTSTALKER! THAT'S THE INTERET BU-[cans.wav]"
 * "That asshole called my show everyday for [two/three] years!"
 * "No! Not that Internet Buttstalker! No!"
 * "You're just mad because Miss Piggy is doing Gonzo's nose and loves it. You stupid little fruity-ass frog."
 * "Now we got Mickey Mouse calling in?!"
 * "Shut up! Just shut up, Mickey Mouse! Just shut up! Nobody asked you! Just shut your stupid stinking dumb mouse-hole!"
 * "Yay, spaghetti! Yay!"
 * "How many phone lines are there in Africa?"
 * "A Scottish on the shitter"
 * "That's a Scottish... kilt-wearin' bastard."

Ghost's Family

 * "My granny was a pious woman!"
 * "Don't talk about my family, goddamn it!"
 * "Don't EVER talk about my granny, you son of a bitch!"
 * "Don't drag my wife into this!"
 * "Hey asshole, don't make fun of my wife, you piece of-[cans.wav]"
 * "That's my wife, asshole!"
 * "What are you talking about? My son's a successful businessman. He's more successful than me, you piece of crap."

Templeton

 * "Don't make fun of my dog!"
 * "Stop taking about the damn dog, you fruitbowl."
 * "What's wrong, Templeton? Why are you crying?"
 * "Look at this shameless dog!"
 * "What? Four clowns? Sorry, that's a reference to Good Burger."
 * "You're taking over my show, Templeton!"
 * "Templeton, you can't crap there!"
 * "Templeton, why are you showing teeth?" (Templeton bites Ghost) "Ow!"
 * "YOU HATE COMMUNISTS, TEMPLETON?!" (Templeton barking)

The Engineer

 * "KaraszKun's a lot like the Engineer... I mean, Karaszkun's a little smarter than the engineer."
 * "I didn't know you were a racist bastard, Engineer; I mean, Jesus Christ, what, do you wanna put a freakin' bedsheet over your head, I mean WHAT THE HELL'S THE PROBLEM?!"
 * "Goddammit, Engineer, what is this crap!?"
 * "I don't have to give the Engineer a present... I'm payin' the engineer, that's good enough."
 * "Put 'im on the mic, Engineer- I mean, Ryan! Yeah, Ryan! Put 'im on, Ryan!
 * "Engineer, implement CHATROOM MARTIAL LAW!"
 * "Engineer's kind of upset, 'cause he thought the 'Derpy' character represented his brand of demographic, if you know what I'm sayin'..."
 * "Goddamn it, Engineer, you're supposed to be screenin' these calls for Christ's sake!
 * "You stupid shithead!"
 * "I thought he was gonna put on some decent music, ya know what I mean? I thought he was gonna put on some 'Sly and the Family Stone' or something, ya know what I'm saying? I thought he was gonna put on 'Kool and the Gang'. Ya know what I'm sayin'? But uh - WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT, ENGINEER, GOD DAMMIT?!"
 * "Engineer... what the hell? What the hell's goin' on here, Engineer? GET IT RIGHT, ENGINEER! GOD DAMMIT!"
 * "Just do your job!"
 * "These people are not your friends!"
 * "You see what you did, Engineer? Here, C'mere... [cans.wav and engineer crying] YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?!"
 * "They're making fun of you, Engineer!"
 * "You see what you started Engineer?"
 * "Your job's on the line here!"
 * "Hey Engineer...Hey, Engineer...WAKE UP!"
 * "Say you're sorry, Engineer!"

Others

 * "What the hell? Woah, Steve Hawking, Eh! We don't wanna hear about your golden shower endeavors there, Stephen Hawking! I mean, Jesus Christ! Did you hear this idiot? [Shaking head] Awww yeah, golden showers! Awww yeah, I'm lookin' at some bitch doin' a pee-pee! Aww yeah!, I mean, gimme a freakin' break, man!"
 * "Goddamn you, Tommy Jordan! Look what your redneck ass has inspired!"
 * "DON'T COMPARE ME TO THAT POTBELLIED BASTARD ALEX JONES! HE'S MAKIN' MONEY OFF OF FEAR!"
 * "He (Alex Jones) doesn't know his ass from his elbow, he's a pot-bellied bastard."
 * "YOU WANT A WAR?! WE'LL TAKE YOU (Alex Jones) TO WAR! WAAAAAARRRRR!!"
 * "Leave Robin Williams alone! I mean, I hated the poor bastard, but there's no reason to be bringing that guy's name up."

Musicians

 * "Very funny, Alexis! Huh huh huh!"
 * "Remixin' me with Duran Duran?! You couldn't get a fruitier group!"
 * "I mean, what's next?! The Buttstreet Boys?!"
 * "Metal died with Dimebag Darrell."
 * "Freakin brokeback broke dick Nickelback."
 * "Stevie Ray Vaughan is the greatest guitarist who ever lived!"
 * "Rage Against the Communist Machine"
 * "If I ever see Eminem out in the streets of (Austin / San Antonio), I would beat him up, leave him in a puddle of his own blood and piss... and when I get to the county jail, I'll become Mr. Black People!"

Songs

 * "Enough with that freakin' 'Alexis' song!"
 * "Look at 'em, they're fruitin' up!"
 * "Their assholes are puckerin'! They're prancin' around to this crap!"
 * "Money, success, fame, glamour!"
 * "Shante, shante, shante shante shante!"
 * "Yeah, we get it, Inspector Gadget!"
 * "Remixin' me with 'Maniac'? They're fruitin' up, goddamn it, they're fruitin' up!"
 * "Remixin me with goddamn Bob the Builder!"
 * "I can't hear you, you've got some kind of fruity-ass music playin' in the background there... I mean, how am I supposed to take you seriously when you're sittin' there listenin' to freakin' Depeche Mode?"
 * "Fuck You Texas..."
 * "Sounds catchy... what is it?"
 * "We'll all be politically correct together."
 * "You even got the Engineer fruitin' up to this crap, for Christ's sake."
 * "Black man in a white man's town..."
 * "Wake me up, before you go-go, and let me shove my gun down your thro-oat."
 * "Put on (The Girl from Ipanema/the whore from Ipanema)!"
 * "Boss N-word"
 * "That's musical blasphemy!"
 * (After someone mashes Marvin Gaye's song "What's Goin' On" with Nickelback's "Photograph") "...You should eternally burn in hell for that."
 * "Are you kidding me, man? You remixed 'Smack my Bitch Up' with Nickelback, you stupid idiot?"

On Twitter/Gab/Chatroom Names

 * "We got some fruit callin' himself 'LadyGagaMan3'!"
 * "Oh, I'm not sayin' that!"
 * "Stop making me say this racist crap!"
 * "That's it! You're trying to get me to say something that I don't wanna say! Well I'm ENDIN' the shoutouts now!"
 * "Tryin' to play these silly little word games with me!"
 * "Oh, great, yeah, 'PoopTickler Junior'! It's bad enough that we got a goddamn 'PoopTickler', but now 'PoopTickler Junior'! Jesus Christ!"
 * "'Gasgara's a Tree'? No he's not, you idiot."
 * "We got 'The Cyber Police'... woah, I was not aware that the cyber police were, uh, listenin' in... to the True Capitalist Radio broadcast."
 * "'Tub Guy Sucks No Lulz'... ooh... harsh."
 * "Alright, that's enough, yeah, now we've got Grandmother_Gimp, yeah, REAL FUNNY ASSHOLES!"
 * "We got 'AlphaKennyOne'... OH, YOU SICK PRICK!"
 * "'Alpha Q Hard'? AW, JESUS CHRIST! These are the names concocted by the demographic that listens to this broadcast!"
 * "We got [name]! How's it goin', [name]?"
 * "Hey, there's the Whoremaster, [british accent] Oh yes, I am the Whoremaster."
 * "We got... The_footjob_kid...the, the footjob kid? -snickers- Jesus Christ!"
 * "Who the hell else we got?"
 * "Seriously? That was the first thing that popped into your head when you made this goddamn Twitter account? '"Brutal Ass Masta"... yeah... dat's it... "Brutal Ass Masta"'."
 * "We got 'Radiation 4 Japan'... oh my God, THAT'S HORRIBLE!"
 * "'I'm Commie Hist'? Dammit, I'M NOT A GODDAMN COMMUNIST!"
 * "We got 'Ghost's Empty Cans'... yeah, real funny, asshole."
 * "'Merry Pony Xmas'.... yeah, real funny, you stupid jerks..."
 * "'Ties 4 Ghost'... AW, SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS WITH THAT 'TIES 4 GHOST' CRAP, ALRIGHT? You idiots know how I feel about that crap!"
 * "We got 'NiagaraRoll'! How ya doing, Niagara Roll? Good to see you.
 * "Yeah, real funny..."
 * "We got some asshole named 'King of Excrement'... I mean, Jesus Christ... COME ON!"
 * "We got... 'E-Eating Sewer Poop'? Aw my God, are you kiddin' me? You gotta be kidding me, alright? I'm not saying any more of these sick-ass names... 'Eating Sewer Poop'... Jesus Christ..."
 * "That's it, I'm not sayin' any more of these... these people are getting sick, twisted, disgusting! Aight? Unbelievably disgustin'. Sick!"
 * "Here's another one... 'Ivana Sokyodik'... I mean, THESE ARE REAL NAMES, MAN! THESE ARE REAL NAMES CONCOCTED BY THE DEMOGRAPHIC THAT LISTENS TO THIS BROADCAST! I MEAN JE- [cans.wav]! Jesus Christ, man! I mean, THESE ARE REAL NAMES FOR PEOPLE, man! I mean, look at these people! Gimme the mic, gimme the mic! [cans.wav]
 * "I mean, look at the names... 'Butthole Express'. Huh? Oh, that's great, huh? That's just... isn't that just beautiful? Jesus Christ! Look at that... 'The Fart Sniffer'... heh... that's great, huh? Ah, J- that's enough... I- THAT- THAT'S IT. That's enough of the Twitter shoutouts. I've had about enough of 'em. GET 'EM OFF MY STREAM, ENGINEER! I'm not doin' any more... just sick... gimme a... I NEED A DRINK AFTER THAT! I NEED A DRINK! [slurps] I needed a big gulp of Johnnie Walker after that one... that was just atrocious. That's the typical crap whenever I give Twitter shoutouts... you would think that people would be a little bit more appreciative about me interactin' with the show, for Christ's sake, but nooooo! Everybody's gotta say 'Look at me, uh, I'm the supertroll! [singing] Look at me, I'm the supertroll! To save the day!'... well, we do have a couple of Twitter shoutouts... I'm only gonna take a few, 'cause we're probably gonna be bombarded with sick-ass Twitter names."
 * ".....Wait, is that a real name? 'Plane Scores, Goal'? Ugh.... [cans.wav]"
 * "'Bombings for Belgium'? Are you kidding me, asshole?"
 * (Usually whenever someone makes an Albin-related name) "I know what you mean by that!"
 * "'True Bureaucrat Radi-TRUE BUREAUCRAT RADIO'!? YOU SON OF A-[cans.wav]"
 * "'PoopTickler'?! What kind of a name is PoopTickler?! I mean, do you see these people? What kind of a name is PoopTickler up in here?!"
 * "We got the 'Trans Russian Hacker'. The Trans Russian Hacker and they put a pair of balls on a Russia's chin or somethin', Jesus Christ."
 * "We got 'P. Ness'. What's going on to P. Ne... P. Ness?! You son of a- [cans.wav] P. Ness?! Pee-ness, you son of a bitch."
 * "We got 'Goofy Boner'...get that asshole out of here! Get him out!"
 * (After Serious Samsung edited Ghost's avatar and posted it onto Gab) "Wait a minute, did you just make my avatar black now?! Did you-LOOK AT MY GAB! LOOK AT MY GA-THEY MADE MY AVATAR BLACK!"
 * "'1-800-Hambone'... SHUT UP! [cans.wav]"
 * "Put that asshole in the woodshed!"
 * "'Alex Jones Didn't Hide for Five Years'... Shut up! Shut up! I took a break! Because y'all idiots kept voting in Obama!"
 * "'10 Years as a CIA Agent'... Look, don't even kid around about-[cans.wav] Shut up! '10 Years as a CIA Agent', shove it up your ass! Don't even kid around about that, man! And blow it out your ass if you think that."
 * "I don't wear high-heel cowboy boots, you fruitbowls!"
 * "Uhh... 'Knee Guard'? Knee Guard... YOU SON OF A-[cans.wav]"
 * "Pupin Yapul? What's up to Pupin Yapul. He must be from India or something."
 * "Colin Ghosternick? DON'T EVEN-DON'T-DON'T-DON'T EVEN GO T-DON'T--" *bites tongue* "GODDAMNIT! You made me bite my tongue you asssholes!"

Mr. Optimism

 * "Let's... let's not talk about that particular subject matter right now."
 * "Alright, I'm not doin' that fruity-ass voice any more."

Mr. Fortune Cookie

 * "Da communis' govamin' o' CHINA"
 * "We own you mothafucka!"
 * "Bad eggroll!"
 * "Oooooooooh"
 * "WE DO IT FOR CHAIRMAN MAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
 * "You see, you stupid American mothafuckas..."

Fan-Given Personas

 * "John Conquest? What am I, a porn star now?"
 * "Stop callin' me GHOSTLER! I don't appreciate it!"
 * "I dunno how many times I gotta tell you idiots this... I'M NOT A JEW! I'M NOT A JEW!"
 * "I. Am not. A Jew!"
 * "I am not bald! I'm not bald!"
 * "Can you shut up about my teeth?!"
 * "I'm not a goddamn cripple!"

Tyrone

 * "...Sh'yeah."
 * "Just flippin' the script; you know how it go..."
 * "Aye what's up baby, Tyrone up in this bitch.."
 * "Mah name Tyrone.."
 * "Chillin' like an insane villain baby..."

Steve Irwin/ Australian Crocodile Huntah

 * "G'day mate! Let's have a shrimp outta' the barbie oi?"
 * "Goodbye mate!" (In response to an Australian Failtroll)
 * "Crikey! I'm the Crocodile Hunter and I'm gonna see if I can stick this crocodile right up my arse!"

Uncle Bernie

 * "Hey, it's Uncle Bernie!"
 * "Take your underwears off, and sit on my apple."
 * "Don't worry about the pants tent."
 * "Ooh... Ooh. Oh, you chipped my apple! Oh, you chipped my apple!"
 * "Keep contributing!"

Unusual Phrases and Exclamations

 * "Flexing Nuts"
 * "Horizontal mambo"
 * "Piss and moan/fury"
 * "Puffin' on the Magic Dragon"
 * "Good God!"
 * "What in the blue hell is going on?"
 * "Crap going on out there"
 * "Shoryuken! Tiger! Tiger Uppercunt!"
 * "HADOOOOUUUUKEN! HADOOOOUUUUKEN!"
 * "I want my shrimp back."
 * "JEEESUS CHRRRIST!"
 * "Pecker Shaft"
 * "Peter Popper"
 * "Anyways..."
 * "I'm going off keister here..."
 * "I'm [cucumber / zucchini] Rick!
 * "Remove squirrel!"
 * "Eat my dick up until you hiccup!"
 * "Holy dog shit!"
 * "I SAID BAGUEEEETTE!"

Out of Context

 * "...if anyone came at me tryin' to be Billy Badass, uh, y'know, I'm always walkin' around here in Texas... uh, with my strap on....uh, well, that didn't... that didn't really... that didn't really sound right... but what- I always walk around strapped, is what I'm sayin'. And, uh, because we have a legal- uh... gu- SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS! ALL YOU IDIOTS IN THE CHATROOM!"
 * "Oh, the cuffs are too tight..."
 * "You know, I always get the mornin' hardon... 'cause I got good blood pressure... uh..."
 * "That's probably why they like a callous finger up their shit funnel- ah never mind..."
 * "He probably took one too many large pieces of furniture up his anal passage..."
 * "You better bring some crew for Christ's sake, because I can take more than one man at a time..."
 * "It will be legal in Texas..."
 * "Look, what's going on between me and Alex is personal."

Miscellaneous Quotes

 * "That, my friends, is the Markets, for your ass."
 * "A good day in Mr. Rogers' neighborhood"
 * "Step your game up [and/or] step your chain up."
 * "That's it! I'm done! Stick a fork in me, I'm done!"
 * "Get this mic outta my face...[cans.wav]"
 * "Shove that OU crap up your ass! It's UT or die!"
 * "[Area code], Radio god-damn Graffiti."
 * "Do you know what shrimp gives to the body?... I mean, besides high cholesterol..."
 * "I use yarmulkes for coffee filters!"
 * "How many numbers do these idiots have?" [n.b. emphasis varies, usually on "numbers" or "have".]
 * "I freakin' love this game, man!"
 * "You're tryin' to get me to say somethin' that I don't wanna say, and that's it! I'm endin' the shout outs!"
 * "Seriously? You came up with that clever little name, "BanjoBear", and then you come on and just say some little racial slur?"
 * "I am not looking forward to askin' the Engineer, but, uh, Engineer... do we got any goddamn Twitter shoutouts, for Christ's sake?"
 * "If you're Asian, stay away from Austin, Texas, 'cause I'll BLIND you with dental floss!"
 * "I mean, have you seen a feminist after 30?  It's a pathetic sight, it's horrible..."
 * "And that's it? You, you wanna continue, huh? You, you wanna throw some goddamn verbal fisticuffs with me you piece of crap, huh? Huh?"
 * "I'm not trying to turn this into tinfoil hat hour but..."
 * "Kentucky Fried Chicken Piss"
 * "You gonna get good grades!" (on former UT football coach Charlie Strong)
 * "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE FOOTBALL GAME!" (after the Dallas Cowboys lost to the Green Bay Packers in 2017)
 * "Oy vey! Shut it down!"
 * "I want my shrimp back!"
 * "People might as well watch flies fuck." (on baseball games)
 * "This dumb girl is one-eighth Native American, and she's offended!"
 * "Goddamn you, Eeeeeeeelllllllllll Rato!"